Seeking Him

Why Do You Call Me, Lord, Lord?

I have a quote that I want to share.  Ponder this for a moment:

It is surrender to the known will of God that paves the way for the discovery of the unknown will of God.

I heard those words the other night in a video lesson by Andy Stanley in a series called "Discovering the Will of God" and I have found myself continuing to think about them ever since. 

What would it look like to "surrender" to the known will of God?  What do I already KNOW about the will of God?  In answering these questions, I find myself always going back to Jesus' answer to the teacher of the law who wanted Jesus to name the greatest commandment.  Three times in scripture we find that His answer to this query was "to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself."  In 1 John 3 & 4, John tells us that we are liars if we say we love God, but don't love our brother...and not just love with words, but love "in action and in truth."  In John's gospel, particularly in chapters 15 and 16, we learn that Jesus said we would show our love for Him and we would remain in Him if we obeyed His commands.  He went on to say that His command to us was to "love one another." Jesus also talks a lot about how we treat the "least of these" in our midst (Matthew 25,) so I'm pretty sure that loving and caring for the poor is also part of the equation.  In short, it seems fairly clear that one thing about which Jesus felt strongly was this issue of love...love in action, sacrificial love.  

So, going back to my previous question, what would it look like to surrender to the known will of God?  In all honesty, I find it much more interesting at times to wonder about the parts of God's will that are still unknown to me than to consider how obedient I am being to the parts of God's will about which I am already clear.  Wondering about God's will for my life and lamenting the lack of clarity I am experiencing gives me permission to sit quietly in committee in the safety of my easy chair.  "I just don't know what God wants me to do next" or "I'm still praying about that" delays my obligation to DO anything of any consequence.  

Don't get me wrong, there are times in life when I need to wait upon the Lord or pray for clarity on a particular issue.  However, the quote with which I began this post suggests to me a greater truth.  I am going to have difficulty hearing God's voice and discerning His will on a particular issue if I am not actively pursuing those aspects of His plan for my life about which I am already perfectly clear.  I KNOW already that God wants me to love Him, love my neighbor, love my family and love the poor with a sacrificial, all-encompassing, action-oriented love that is different than the way that the world teaches love.  Even if I never understand another thing about His will for my life, then pursuing this one thing...understanding this one pursuit...growing in this one area could potentially define my life and keep me plenty busy until He calls me Home.  Any other details that He might decide to let me in on would just be a bonus!

In Luke 6, Jesus asks the question "Why do you call me Lord, Lord and not do what I say?"  He goes on to say that it is only when we hear the Word AND do what it says that we build a foundation that will withstand any storm.  I know what my life looks like when I am attempting to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength...I also know what it looks like when I am only giving that my half-hearted attention.  For me, peace only comes when I am in surrender mode because that's how God wired me.   I know I need that reminder every once in a while.

 

My Journey as a Runner

I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a, a book lover, a follower of Jesus, and recently, a very infrequent blogger.  While none of these labels describe all of me, each word gives you a bit more information about who I am.  When I blogged about labels last fall, I never in a million years thought I would ever add the word "runner" to my list.

As a kid, I dreaded P.E. class.  Don't EVEN get me started on dodge ball or red rover!  I have always much preferred curling up with a good book to exercising or playing sports.  As I have gotten older and my jeans have gotten tighter, I have begun to appreciate the wisdom of regular workouts and the physical and emotional benefits of making exercise a part of my life.  Because my husband has always been an athlete (the kind of boy I hated during dodge ball games!) we invested in a workout room with all the equipment a number of years ago and that has been my primary exercise outlet. For me, part of the appeal of the workout room is the television.  If I must exercise, at least I can distract myself watching E True Hollywood Story!  

One beautiful day this past May, as I headed down into the basement, I found myself wishing that my exercise routine could be done outside instead.  The flowers were blooming, the trees were budding and the temperature was a perfect 75 degrees.  The obvious choice would be to go for a run, but I knew that running was not for me.  My sister is a runner.  My brother is a runner.  Kelly is NOT a runner.  I am the non-running sibling.  I had tried before to run and I couldn't do it.  In college, my boyfriend (now husband) and my roommate talked me into going running ONE time.  I lasted about 5 minutes, at which point I turned around and headed back to the dorm to take a nap.  I am and always have been a very good napper.  I hated running.  I was bad at running.  I wasn't built to run and I had made my mind up about it.

However, in May, the idea of exercising outside persisted.  I went online to look up walking programs, thinking that perhaps a fast walk on a pretty day would be a nice addition to my exercise repertoire. Long story short, I ran across an app for my Iphone called Couch to 5K that promised a very gradual progression from walker to runner.  When I started in mid May, I would walk for 2 minutes, then run for 90 seconds, repeating this process for 20-30 minutes...all prompted by an encouraging voice on my headphones.  After a few weeks, I was walking 3 minutes, running 5 minutes...gradually increasing the amount of time running.  Throughout what turned out to be the hottest summer on record, I did this 3 times a week every week except one...I was too intimidated to run with all the cross country kids when we were in Philly on the mission trip!

Just recently, I started running the whole way.  I still do a 30 minute workout and I am now going about 2.75 miles in that time...not exactly a blistering pace, but I'm not in a hurry.  Just this week, it occurred to me that I now consider myself a runner!  My husband pulled up next to me in his car one day when I was out running and said that I actually looked like a "real" runner, whatever that is....having known me for 30 years, he said this with a bit of disbelief in his voice!  

So, why am I sharing this here?  This isn't a running blog, but more often a place where I talk about my faith journey.  As I thought about this progression from walker to runner, it occurred to me that I am learning some very important lessons in this process that are likely applicable to other areas of my life. 

First, I wonder how often we limit ourselves by stating absolutes about who we are or are not.  One of my girls said something the other day about the way she learns.  Her statement was said in such a way that it was clear she had made up her mind that this was an immutable fact...this was just the way it was and she had to deal with it.  As we talked, I encouraged her to not to limit herself at this young age and told her that the way I learned best had evolved at each stage of my education and was continuing to change as I grow older.  Growing and changing is part of growing up.  "I'm bad at math," "I'm unorganized," or  "I'm not a runner" are all examples of self-limiting and self-defeating statements.  I "choose" not to run is different than saying I "can't" run.  While a healthy and realistic understanding of our strengths and weaknesses can be useful in making choices about how we spend our time, I wonder how often we shut down God's plans to stretch us by immediately dismissing those things we have decided aren't our particular talents.  

Secondly, let's be clear, I am not a runner in the same way my sister is a runner or my friend Neil is a runner.   For me, running 3 miles without stopping to walk is a huge accomplishment.  For them, that is a warm-up.  But that's ok!  Letting go of the need to compare ourselves with the way another person does something is the beginning of freedom.  I am not ready to go running with anyone right now, I am not ready to enter a race right now, I am not planning on ever running a marathon right now...but I might change my mind someday.  Letting go of a particular image of who or what defines the word "runner" allows me to explore the new and perhaps, different ways that I might also choose to describe myself with that word.  The same freedom applies to labels like "mother," "teacher," "singer," "writer," "artist," or even "Christian."  Isn't it glorious that God made us all so different?  It is sad how often I limit His creativity by trying to be like someone else instead of celebrating my unique expression of my God-given abilities. 

Third, I did not become a runner overnight.  For me, the path was slow.  Perhaps others started running by just going out and running.  For me, that didn't work.  For me, the process of alternating walking and running is working, but it might not work for someone else.  For me, breaking my "run" down into baby steps worked at the beginning, but it might be too boring for someone else.  When I began the Couch to 5K program, it warned participants not to rush through the suggested incremental stages and it also advised you to repeat weeks, if you felt you needed to do so.  I took their advice because it sounded like they knew what they were talking about and because there were stories of others who had been successful using this approach.  I allowed myself to go slowly, I allowed myself to have bad days when I went backwards in terms of my progress and I allowed myself to be a learner.   In my journey with the Lord, I would be wise to remember the value of slow and steady progress, the importance of spiritual mentors, and the humility of always remaining teachable.

Lastly, for reasons I'm not sure I understand, I made up my mind to stick with this and so far, I haven't quit.  Somedays...initially, most days...I hated it.  On hot days, and there were many, I really hated it.  At first, my body hurt after every run.  And then, it began to hurt less.  It is only recently that I have begun to actually enjoy running and I am experiencing the benefits that drew me to try this path.  Now that it is cooler outside and I can run farther, I come back from my runs exhilarated and I look forward to the next run.  I may never run farther than 3 miles, but for now, I am having fun and it makes me feel strong and alive.  I am proud of myself for trying something new and doing something I thought I couldn't do.  As I move closer and closer to my 50th birthday and to the time when my little birdies will leave my nest, I know there are going to be many more opportunities to re-define myself and try new things.  That gets me excited to see what God has planned for me next! 

Lessons from this journey: be willing to learn, be myself, slow and steady, be committed.

Hebrews 12:1-2 (New Living Translation) ¹ Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. ² We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.  Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.

 

 

 

Why Do I Write?

For my faithful readers, both of you, you may have noticed that I have not been blogging lately.  I keep thinking that I will start blogging again when I figure out something profound to say...that assumes, of course, that I have EVER had anything profound to say or that the purpose here was ever to BE profound! :-)  I have had many posts rattling around in my head, but then they never really form with enough urgency to propel me to the computer to write it all down.  Sometimes, I think of something about which I could write, but then I think that it really isn't all that interesting after all this time away. It seems amazing, after almost 5 years blogging, that I have not blogged this whole year...all 29 days of it!

Although I haven't been posting any thoughts here, I have recently returned to the habit of writing out my prayers.  I find that I can focus my thoughts...empty out the noise...when I write out prayers once a day.  When I have run out of words, it is then that I listen best.  It also serves as a reminder of the names and issues for which I have been praying so that I can look back and see how God has been at work all around me.  If I have learned anything so far on this journey it is that God is always at work; it is my job to notice and say thank you!

So, in my prayers, I have shared with God my desire to write and asked that He guide me in that writing...show me where He can use my words to accomplish His purposes, if that is part of His plan.  I originally began to blog because I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself...I felt compelled to share and hoped that the discipline of writing in this particular format would help me find an outlet for those thoughts and prayed that my words might somehow encourage somebody else along the way.  For several years, God affirmed my pursuit through constant inspiration and the occasional feedback that, strangely enough, my words here were indeed of some earthly use to some of my readers.  Sometimes, that "fan" of my writing was even someone other than my mom!

So what happened?  Has the season for my blog ended?  Have I become too self-critical of my writing?  Do I censor my thoughts to such a degree that I have nothing left to say?  Or has God begun to give me other outlets for sharing the ways that I see Him at work?  Other ways of sharing myself...pouring myself out in pursuit of the Kingdom?  Perhaps a combination of all or some of the above?

I guess these are the questions that I am wrestling with now.  Why blog?  In the greater scheme of things, does my little blog contribute anything positive to the universe besides serving as a creative outlet for me?  And if it is just a creative outlet for me, perhaps that is enough? Perhaps that gives me permission to not say anything of any substance at all or to accidentally say something that matters to someone else.

So, as I mentioned before, I have been talking about all this with God.  Best I can tell, since He has not given me a burning bush or engraved stone tablet, He says "just write!"  That's all...kind of like the Nike commercial...just do it!  Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, don't even worry about what I think about what I write...just write!  So, here it is, me writing....we'll see what happens next!

Hell Week

We are deeply immersed in the wonderful world of theatre this week in my house.  Both of my teenage daughters are in the final week of rehearsal for their middle school and high school plays, affectionately known by the kids as "hell week."  On top of their regular school day and homework, they are each spending 4-6 hours every day after school in rehearsal.  Both girls have done a number of plays in the past, but this weekend is particularly exciting because they each have roles with a bit more responsibility and time in the "spotlight" than they have had in previous shows.  My younger daughter in particular has been rehearsing for this show since mid-September and has put in untold hours both on and off the stage in preparation for this weekend.  It is exhausting and exhilarating and has everyone running on adrenaline to some degree.

Simply, perhaps a bit selfishly, I love it.  I volunteer a fair amount with the middle school productions and I have been somewhat obsessed myself this week with all the last minute concerns.  Because of my involvment in a variety of production details, I have the joy of hanging around rehearsals sometimes.  As I have said before on this blog, I love theatre kids.  They are quirky and smart, creative and playful, exhuberant and demonstrative.  Unlike many of their peers, they don't see conformity as the primary purpose of their existence.  Through their participation in these productions, these kids are learning so many fabulous like skills; teamwork, risk-taking, comfort with being up in front of people, the experience of putting themselves in someone else's shoes and imagining how they might feel in a given situation, insight into human nature and what makes something funny or touching or inspiring, the responsibility of being in the spotlight while still being unselfish and generous with your fellow actors/ teammates, taking direction from an authority figure who has the big picture in mind that you might not be able to see, and the value and privilege of creating something that brings joy and happiness to others.  As I said, I love this process and I'm thrilled my kids have found this place to spend their passion for this season of their life.

I was having a conversation with my eldest last night about how she was handling the stress of having so much to do this week.  I have asked both my kids repeatedly, "is all the hard work worth it?"  Both have answered with a resounding yes each and every time.  While I absolutely believe I have to guard against my kids being over-scheduled and stressed out, I also believe that there are valuable lessons to be learned with a time-limited period of stress-producing, hard work.  Really good things come from hard work. Championship teams or fabulous shows, extraordinary works of art or meaningful acts of service all require us to pour ourselves out and, to some degree, use ourselves up.  If we feel passionate about something, if we really care about something, if we lose ourselves in creating something bigger than ourselves...we are really alive.  And that is a good thing.

One of my favorite songs has a line in it that says "the Glory of God is man fully alive."  Isn't it the best feeling to lose track of time doing something you truly love doing?  Living in a moment so fully that I temporarily forget my obsession with what has been left undone or what needs doing next?   Having fun...real fun, while pouring myself into a creative process that taps into one of the gifts that my Creative Creator has poured into me?  Perhaps, in the process, even connecting with other human beings in ways that cause me to celebrate our common humanity instead of focusing on those things that divide us.

Yes, hell week is stressful.  Yes, hell week is hard work.  Yes, the pressure is scary and the hours are long.  In spite of all that, I think my girls are having the time of their lives and on opening night (or opening day) hell week will be transformed into a little taste of Heaven. 

"The Glory of God is man fully alive."  It inspires me to have a few more "hell weeks" in my life as well.

The Meaning of My Hair

Over the last couple of days, I have been having some funny conversations about my hair with my friends on Facebook.  After spending my entire adult life with what I would consider long hair, I decided on Monday that it was time for a grown-up haircut.  Experiencing immediate buyer's remorse, I did the mature thing and started whining about it on Facebook.  The "conversation" that ensued has been great fun and I wasted so much time online yesterday that I am "fasting" from Facebook today.  (Blogging does not count because my Typepad account is set up to automatically post everything I write to FB.)

Isn't it funny the things to which we attach meaning?  I know it is shallow, but my long hair was/ is a part of how I see myself...part of the myriad of different things that make me, me.  I grew up in Texas in the 1980s, for goodness sake!  Long hair...big, fluffy hair...is part of being a girl in Texas where I spent the ages 12 to 24.  Besides being a life-long Dallas Cowboys fan and having a bit of a southern accent, the long hair was part of the total package that makes me a Texas girl despite the fact that we have now lived here on the East Coast for 20 years.  That and the absolutely fabulous black cowboy boots that I bought in Texas a couple of years ago.

What else makes me, me?   I am a singer.  I am a blonde.  I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I am a lover.  I am a book lover.  I am a mashed potatoes lover.  I am smart.  I am a sister.  I am a daughter.  I am a loud laugher.  I am loquacious. I am a woman.  I am a friend.  I am a writer.  I am heterosexual.  I am a fanatic about purple.   I am friendly/ obnoxiously overbearing (depending on the mood of the recipient.)  I am a social worker. I am white.  I am a good listener.  I am a Cowboy fan.  I am a Democrat.  I am wealthy.  I am a follower of Jesus Christ.  I am Beloved.

Some of these things are physical characteristics.  Some are preferences.  Some speak to my beliefs.  Some are aspects of my personality.  Some are luck of the draw and some are things that developed over time.  Some are choices, some will never change.  Some have always been true and others are just being revealed.  Some matter a great deal and some are of less relative importance.  Some will be less true in 10 years, some will be with me into eternity.

My point?  None of these things individually is all of who I am.  I am an evolving, changing, growing, learning individual and these things all together make up the tapestry of who I am.  If you made a judgement about what kind of music I liked based on the color of my eyes, you would clearly miss the whole picture.  If you guessed how I vote based on my religious affiliation, you would be jumping to conclusions.  If you guessed what color my hair was when I was born based on what color it is now, you would likely be wrong.  :-)  You get my point..., as humans, we like to categorize and simplify.  If we aren't careful, we fall prey to flash judgements about who a person is based on one thing that we know to be true about them.  People are much more complicated and interesting than that!

Yet, some things do matter more.  Each week when I go to the Lamb Center, I find that many of the parts of who I am that appear meaningful in the outside world, really don't matter much within those walls and around that table.  When I am there, I wear my most casual clothes...jeans, tennis shoes and a Lamb Center or CPC t-shirt.  I pull my hair back in a pony tail and leave the fancy jewelry at home.  How I look, where I live and how I vote aren't really of interest to these people who are so hungry for hope.  The fact that I love the Lord and I love each one of them is enough to belong to this community.  As we share our hearts together and mine God's Word for treasure, I find I am my most true, REAL self and I experience the reality of the most important aspect of who I am...I am Beloved.  Connecting to other human beings to experience that truth; the Kingdom of God drawing near.

So, enough of that, let's get back to my hair.  My husband says that, with my new conservative haircut, people will start thinking I am a Republican.  With the purple streaks that I will be putting in my hair, should I get my nose or my eyebrow pierced??

FOR REAL!!

My daughters and I attended the Revolve Tour this weekend with a group of 50 moms and daughters from our church community.  Along with 4,000 others, we listened, laughed, danced, sang and worshipped.  This event was produced by Women of Faith and was a celebration of all the beauty and promise that is a young woman in her teenage years.  I loved everything about the weekend; spending time with my daughters, spending time with many of my very best friends and hearing from some incredibly talented young women and men who have devoted themselves to letting teenage girls know that God loves them...for real!

Truly, I enjoyed the entire production and I was so grateful that we had made the effort to get this many girls to the conference.  The message, in my opinion, was something that every girl going through these tumultous years needs to hear...be real.  Who you are right this minute, the unique individual that God made YOU to be, is just the person that the world needs now.  Not a version of yourself that seeks to be like everyone else, not the version of yourself that blends in with the crowd, not the version of yourself that looks more like the magazine covers...but the REAL you, with all your quirks, your passions, your talents, your beauty. 

All the performers were wonderful and reinforced the theme message of the weekend.  The girls particularly enjoyed a young man named Chad Eastham who unraveled the mystery of what guys really think.  The girls in my car spent the ride home reading excerpts of his book out loud; much laughter!!  We are all inspired by a 14 year old young man named Austin Gutwein who showed them that even a kid can change the world.  The Drama Team made us all laugh and think.  The musical artists had us on our feet dancing and singing; Group 1 Crew, Stellar Kart, and Britt Nicole.  We truly worshipped and made a seriously LOUD and joyful noise to the Lord!

My favorite speaker was Jenna Lucado, the daughter of author Max Lucado.  Jenna's message struck home for me personally and is the one that I will continue to pray over my daughters.  Jenna started on Friday night by showing us the various ways the world defines us and then making the suggestion that we won't know who WE really are until we understand who God really is.  On Saturday, she expanded on that by relaying to the girls some really important points about who God is.

First, she suggested that we follow a God who really GETS us.  She talked about the special kind of friends who really know us and love us anyway...who know our quirks, our passions, our talents and our weaknesses and love us for all of them!  She said that God is that friend who gets us in ways that other people can't even begin to understand...in ways we can't even understand about ourselves!  He created each of us in unique ways that fit perfectly with the plans that He has for us.  Because of Jesus, He understands how hard life can be sometimes; what it feels like to hurt, what it feels like to be rejected, to be lonely, to be left out. to be disappointed.  He is the God who really GETS us!

She also suggested that we follow a God who has GOT us.  She shared a story with which many of us were familiar to illustrate this idea.  She talked about being scared of the deep end of the pool when she was little and how her dad tried to help her with her fears.  He would stand down in the deep end, hold out his arms to her and say "Jump!  Don't be afraid; I've got you!"  Our heavenly Father is the God who says to us "Don't be afraid!  I've GOT you!"  Scripture tells us over and over that He will never leave us or forsake us; that whatever we face in this life, we will never walk through it alone.  He doesn't ever promise that life will be easy, but He does promise that He will be with us in all circumstances.  This one brought me to tears as she spoke directly to those girls who perhaps did not feel that kind of safety net from their earthly fathers.  This God is the Heavenly Father who's GOT us!

Finally, she suggested that we follow a God who wants to GIVE us a new name.  She used the visual of big name tags with "names" we might give ourselves...names like "defeated," or "nobody" or "not loved."  She shared with us specific scripture verses that refuted those names and gave us the truth about who we are to God.  God names us "more than conquerors."  God names us "daughters of the King."  God names us each "Beloved."  God names us "Forever."  With the names that God gives us, we know who we really are and we begin to live with confidence from that reality. 

Who are we?  We are God's Beloved!  What did we learn this weekend?  God loves you, the REAL you...FOR REAL!!

Words

Words are the currency in which I deal.  Words are what I do.  Words that I offer in encouragement to friends and family, words that I give in guidance to my children or another who seeks my counsel, words that I sing, words that I read, words that I write, words with which another blesses me.  I delight in words...I find great pleasure in a phrase skillfully written.  I am inspired by words written thousands of years ago and preserved in scripture; words written in response to a long ago challenge that are as true today as they were then.  I am entranced by the power of a story well told in language that connects at both an intellectual and an emotional level; words that paint a picture that takes me places to which I have not yet traveled physically.  I am challenged by words from fellow sojourners on this path I have chosen; friends that I have not yet met who also seek to participate in this Kingdom of God of which The Word made flesh spoke when He walked among us.  Words that move me to action, words that entreat me to Be Still and Know.

My journey as this new season begins is a journey of words.  I have missed THIS place for words and I hope that as I invite God to speak His better Words into my life, some of them may overflow here on this blog.  I know that writing down what I hear is part of my journey, even if I am still a bit fuzzy on the details.  I have attempted in this busy time to clear space to listen; to others, to myself and to God.  For when I speak or write without listening, I am just making noise.  I am grateful in this season for a number of new opportunities to listen and teach.  I am saddened that it was time to say goodbye to other places where I have heard God speak in the past.  In all ways, I am aware of His abundant, extravagant grace and I am grateful.

On this day of remembrance, I am also aware that there are some great sadnesses for which there are no words.  A place where words are inadequate, where the only appropriate response is silence and love.  In those places, the ministry of presence knows that the only words that matter are "I love you and I am here."   My prayers are lifted up for those who mourn today for those losses suffered 8 years ago.  We have not forgotten your loss...indeed, our loss.

For those of you who have checked this blog regularly while I have been silent, thank you for your faithful encouragement.  Stay tuned for a rant that I have brewing on the healthcare debate :-)...speaking of the ugly side of words!!

Father's Day

Father's Day has always been something of an awkward, complicated holiday for me...less so beginning 15 years ago when I started spearheading the celebrations here in my own home to honor this wonderful man with whom I am blessed to be raising these two girls.  Even then, there was still that day when I stood in the card section trying to find the appropriate card for my dad.  The Hallmark version of fatherhood really didn't apply in our particular case and my sister and I often joked about the challenge of finding that perfect card to send.  "You were always there for me"...well, not really.  "You set the example..." ummm, well, maybe not.  Ultimately, there would be a card that simply said "I love you, Daddy" and I would know that I had a winner. 

Yesterday was the first Father's Day since my dad's death on the first Sunday of Advent this past year.  As I wrote then, Daddy's death brought a mixture of sadness and relief for all of us who had watched him struggle for so long.  Knowing that he is finally at peace has brought me a great deal of comfort in the months that have passed since then.  Yet, after I called my precious step-dad yesterday to wish him a Happy Father's Day, I found myself surprised by tears that came as I realized that I had no more phone calls to make.   I experienced a similar response in the card section last week as I looked for cards for the other fathers in our life.  This year, ironically, there seemed to be so many cards that would have been appropriate for Daddy. 

People often, particularly in those first few months, asked me how I am...how am I doing, you know, with my father's death?  It is so hard to answer that question in a way that is honest and honors the spirit in which the question is asked.  The simple truth; I am doing fine.  My grief for the loss of my dad began when I was 14 or 15 years old and, to be honest, the hardest work was done in my  20s as I worked to separate myself from the feelilngs of responsibility that I had for him and as I fought with all my might to prevent my trust issues from destroying my marriage.  It is by the grace of God's healing and the steady, patient, deep love of my husband that I walk this path today. 

As I look back over the 6 months since his death, I realize that I don't really miss him on a day to day basis.  I had built such firm, protective boundaries between our lives that he, sadly, was not part our everyday experiences, so it would be false for me to say that I miss his daily presence.  Yet, as we reach new milestones in the lives of our girls, I often think of things that I would like to share with him and I am sad that he is no longer a phone call away.  With a new driver in our house, I look back fondly on the process of him teaching me to drive and I would love to talk with him and laugh with him and hear him tease me about not knowing my left from my right, as I insistently remind him that I have now been driving for 30 years, thank you very much.  I cherish those "normal" moments when I think of those memories and I am grateful for the tears that remind me of the love that we shared for one another.  I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to travel this path of grief and have tried to be gentle with myself when my journey looks different than someone else's or different than I expected it to be.  As I learned from the 12 step program years ago, I must travel this path One Day at a Time and keep my eyes firmly focused on my Heavenly Father.

I don't know if we are still aware of what is happening here once we are with the Lord, but if you can hear me Daddy...Happy Father's Day.  I love you and I can't wait to see you again one day!

Someday

I will be turning 45 this summer.  For some reason, this transition seems more significant than my 40th birthday.  I guess it just seems so very grown-up; closing in on 50 being part of it, I'm sure.  Turning 40 seemed to be something for which I was prepared..."I'm almost 40 years old" was part of my vocabulary of phrases starting shortly after I turned 36, if I recall correctly.  I saw turning 40 as the boundary line for putting up with nonsense...as in "I don't have to put up with that; I am almost 40 years old."  40 said I am free to be my own person...who cares what others think.   40 was a reasonable midway point, 80 being a realistic lifespan for a healthy woman of my generation.  90 seems a little more like wishful thinking, so 45 appears to be on the back side of that halfway point.  45 has kind of snuck up on me and I wonder how 5 years passed by without me noticing.

45 feels more like I better get focused, quit wasting time.  Occasions when I think "someday I will ______" seem more pressing as 45 approaches.  No more allowances for potential, now it is time for "if not now, when?"  I know that people go back to school at 60 and learn new skills at 70, but the likelihood of teaching this "old dog new tricks" decreases as the years pass, especially for a procrastinator like me.  Someday I want to learn to REALLY play the guitar and piano (I mess around a little with both.)  Someday I want to write a book, study Greek, sing that awesome song I've always wanted to sing.   Someday I want to go to Italy and Spain and Greece and a thousand other places I've read about in books.  Someday I want to read the classics that I haven't gotten to you yet.  Someday I want to live at the beach.  You get the picture, we all have those things we want to do "someday." The approach of my 45th birthday makes me wonder when someday begins.

In 5 years, I will turn 50 and send my youngest off to college all in the same month.  These past 5 years simply FLEW by; I am assuming the next 5 years will pass just as quickly.  As I watch my girls grow up exponentially faster with each passing year, it occurs to me that I want to live my life very purposefully and very intentionally while they are still watching.  What are they learning from us about the ways that we spend our time, choose our priorities, live our lives?  What do they know about being a woman from watching me muddle my way through this life?  What will they remember about this part of their journeys that they will carry with them in their emotional and spiritual DNA for the rest of their lives? 

Healing Wounds

One of the profound mysteries of our Christian faith is celebrated today on the day we call Good Friday.  I read this scripture this morning and then looked it up in The Message translation:

1 Peter 2:21-25 (The Message)

 ^21-25This is the kind of life you've been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.

   He never did one thing wrong,
   Not once said anything amiss.
They called him every name in the book and he said nothing back. He suffered in silence, content to let God set things right. He used his servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way. His wounds became your healing. You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.

By His wounds, we are healed.  I love how The Message says "He used His servant body to carry our sins to the Cross so we could be rid of sin, free to live the right way."  As I mentioned in my last post, the example Jesus sets for us in being a servant is really resonating with me right now.  I love that Jesus has set us free to be servants and that our wounds, our brokenness, our frailty can be used to bring healing to others.  Nothing is wasted in God's Divine Economy (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)  By His wounds, we have been healed.  His wounds become my healing...set free to love, I can be used for the healing of another.  The Kingdom of God on earth, Amen.

It is a Good Friday. 

Helping, Fixing, Serving

I can't believe that it has been almost a  month since I have posted an entry.  Ideas run through my mind all the time, but I can't seem to make it to the computer to share them here.  The Lord is good and continues to show Himself to me in so many ways.  We are headed to the ocean for vacation for Spring Break and I am hoping to find some time to write while there.  Sitting by the sea always inspires reflection for me.

Probably the most meaningful facet of my life that God has given me this year is the opportunity to serve at the Lamb Center each week.  I see God's presence there so powerfully and I am humbled that He has called me to be part of that community.  Isn't it interesting that the things that mean the most to us can often be the most difficult to describe to others? 

I read this essay by Rachel Naomi Remen in our Lamb Center policy manual.  While I would use the words "Kingdom of God" where she uses the terms "wholeness and mystery of life," her reflections about the nature of service and how it feeds the spirit of the server resonate so profoundly for me.  The truths found in the essay below beautifully describe the service that I see happening at the Lamb Center; a way of seeing life and living life to which I aspire. This season, learning to live life as a servant of the King in all aspects of my life...home, friendships, church, as well as volunteer work...is the focus of God's teaching and guidance to me.  As it says below, service comes from a place of gratitude, not obligation.  I hope you find the words below as meaningful as I did. 

In the Service of Life
In recent years the question how can I help? has become meaningful to many people. But perhaps there is a deeper question we might consider. Perhaps the real question is not how can I help? but how can I serve?

Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. If I'm attentive to what's going on inside of me when I'm helping, I find that I'm always helping someone who's not as strong as I am, who is needier than I am. People feel this inequality. When we help we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity and wholeness. When I help I am very aware of my own strength. But we don't serve with our strength, we serve with ourselves. We draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve, our wounds serve, even our darkness can serve. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals.

Helping incurs debt. When you help someone they owe you one. But serving, like healing, is mutual. There is no debt. I am as served as the person I am serving. When I help I have a feeling of satisfaction. When I serve I have a feeling of gratitude. These are very different things.

Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. When I fix I do not see the wholeness in the other person or trust the integrity of the life in them. When I serve I see and trust that wholeness. It is what I am responding to and collaborating with.

There is distance between ourselves and whatever or whomever we are fixing. Fixing is a form of judgment. All judgment creates distance, a disconnection, an experience of difference. In fixing there is an inequality of expertise that can easily become a moral distance. We cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch. This is Mother Teresa's basic message. We serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy.

If helping is an experience of strength, fixing is an experience of mastery and expertise. Service, on the other hand, is an experience of mystery, surrender and awe. A fixer has the illusion of being causal. A server knows that he or she is being used and has a willingness to be used in the service of something greater, something essentially unknown. Fixing and helping are very personal; they are very particular, concrete and specific. We fix and help many different things in our lifetimes, but when we serve we are always serving the same thing. Everyone who has ever served through the history of time serves the same thing. We are servers of the wholeness and mystery in life.

The bottom line, of course, is that we can fix without serving. And we can help without serving. And we can serve without fixing or helping. I think I would go so far as to say that fixing and helping may often be the work of the ego, and service the work of the soul. They may look similar if you're watching from the outside, but the inner experience is different. The outcome is often different, too.

Our service serves us as well as others. That which uses us strengthens us. Over time, fixing and helping are draining, depleting. Over time we burn out. Service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will sustain us.

Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery which has an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. Fundamentally, helping, fixing and service are ways of seeing life. When you help you see life as weak, when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing.

Lastly, fixing and helping are the basis of curing, but not of healing. In 40 years of chronic illness I have been helped by many people and fixed by a great many others who did not recognize my wholeness. All that fixing and helping left me wounded in some important and fundamental ways. Only service heals.

Snow Day

Today we are having a snow day and it is March!  What an unexpected blessing!  Ok, so it is not totally unexpected as I have been tracking the storm for several days.  As I have mentioned before, I am a bit of a weather nerd.  I love to watch the weather and my absolute favorite is to track a potential snow storm.  I love snow and perhaps even more, I love anticipating snow.  This winter, in addition to the several weather sites that I usually frequent, I have found a couple of weather blogs.  This is when someone who forecasts weather for a living throws out their latest ideas on what may be approaching and then a whole bunch of people who WISH they did this for a living critique, question and kiss up to said weather expert.  It is extremely amusing and has added this week to the considerable time that I already waste on the computer.

Forecasting weather is a funny thing, isn't it?  While the computer models do a pretty good job of warning us in advance to watch out for a potential weather event that may impact our daily living, it really is essentially guessing about something over which we have no control whatsoever.  Kind of like life.  Our best laid plans can only offer us the illusion of control in a world where there is so much uncertainty.  For me, that is where my faith comes in.  I find comfort in knowing that Someone does know what is coming, does know what will happen and does have my best interests at heart.  We do the best we can to prepare for what life throws at us and then leave the rest to God. 

I hope you are enjoying your snow day as well, if you are among the many folks to whom God said "Stop, slow down" today.

Mommy Guilt

Yesterday, I updated you on a couple of areas where I was finding some success.  Important things like winning my fantasy football league...more specifically, beating my sister in my fantasy football league.  Today, it is time for true confessions. 

When we decided that one of us was going to work outside the home to bring in income and one of us was going to stay home to take care of children...and then we determined that we would rather live on a business executive salary, rather than a social worker salary...I became responsible for securing the appropriate healthcare for our precious girls.  You know, taking them to the doctor and the dentist for regular check-ups, getting them their immunizations, etc.  So, mostly I have done that...particularly in the early years when I was still afraid that I was going to break them and when the peditricians were mostly still older than me.  In recent years, my husband and I have debated the importance of flu shots (he always gets one, me rarely.)  Finally, a couple of years ago, one of the girls got the flu and I vowed to get the whole family flu shots from then on.  And I did....for one whole year. 

So, here we are, another winter season upon us.  Steve and baby girl have had the flu shot.  Me and big girl have NOT had the flu shot.  The reasons for this are myriad, but all boil down to my worst habit, procrastination.  And now, guess who is miserably sick with the flu?  You got it; my sweet 15 year old is on her 4th day of fever.  In fact, she performed the last performance of her first play at her high school with a raging fever of over 102 degrees.  I feel horrible, as you might imagine and secretly hope I get the flu as well, just to share in her suffering.  Ok, that is probably a bit melodramatic, but she is SO sweet and never complains and well, I just feel awful for her!!  In reality, I know that me being sick with the flu will probably torture all of them more than me, so I am actually washing my hands until they bleed in an effort to NOT get the flu, but you get the picture!

So, here are just a few of the other things that I feel guilty about in terms of my performance as mom of these two precious girls:  I always mean to do family Advent devotions each Christmas season and don't, I want my kids to see Europe and they haven't yet and conversely, they live with way too much affluence and privilege and we spoil them, they aren't learning how to handle money in a healthy manner because we always forget to give them their allowance, they both have messy rooms and I don't stay on them and make them keep them clean and they will probably both have roommate issues in college and when they get married, I don't play enough board games with them, they don't have enough responsibility, they have too many activities, I never had them try another instrument, I let them quit piano too early, I'm not teaching them to recycle, I haven't mailed the thank you notes that I made them write after Christmas (sitting on my desk for almost a month now,) neither of them eat enough vegetables, and we totally sucked at being the Tooth Fairy.  That is just a really short list of the first things that popped into my head...I am quite sure that I could come up with another couple paragraphs if I took a little more time.

Anybody else?  Fellow mommies, what provokes your Mommy guilt? 

And no comments from any daddies about how guilt is a waste of energy and then all sorts of advice about how to fix it.  This is about venting...us girls need time to process!

Updates of Utmost Importance :-)

With the real Super Bowl coming up this weekend, I know you have all been just dying to see the picture of my trophy that I received from beating my sister in our fantasy football league championship.  I am actually quite impressed with it and have it displayed in a place of honor in our family room for the time being.  You will notice that it has an actual ball...as in real sports...on it.  Isn't this SO exciting??   Here it is, for your viewing pleasure:

Since I am following up on recent posts , you may be interested to know that I have mostly stuck to the new diet and have just about reached my goal.  Actually, I gave up on their specific recipes, but retained the most important tenets of the diet; never go more than 4 hours without eating, include a MUFA in every meal, and stick to around 400 calories per meal (4 meals per day.)  Adhering to those recommendations, along with regular exercise (4 or more times a week,) has me down to a healthier weight where my clothes fit better, I have more energy and I just generally feel better.  As I said in my earlier post, the true secret here, for me, is just being much more intentional about the kinds of food I put in my body.  Although it sounds like this is all wonderful, one of my children is complaining about the lack of some of the foods that they used to enjoy.  Since I am in charge of buying the majority of the food that enters our household, my focus on healthier choices is impacting all of them as well.  Poor things!  :-)

Sister Bowl 2008

As I have mentioned before, I have a fantasy football team.  I began playing fantasy football a couple of years ago after I watched from the sidelines during my husband's first season the year before and fell in love with the game.  My brother started a league in his neighborhood in 2006 and graciously allowed my sister and I to join in the fun.  So, here is the news flash: last night, I WON the championship of my league!!!

Yes, Hot Lips Houlihan...this year's team names are 70s TV show characters...beat Bionic Woman last night for the championship!  The best part is that Bionic Woman's team owner is my very competitive sister, Karen.  Karen, who does crazy things like train for marathons and teach exercise classes that last for an hour and a half and begin with a WARM-UP of a 2 mile run, does not like to lose at anything.  There is not one single sporting event where I could even remotely compete with her.  So it is extremely fun to beat her in fantasy football!  AND, rumor has it, I get a trophy!  Considering that I would cry when we played dodge ball in P.E. and once got knocked out cold playing Red Rover (seriously, I did,) I do not have many trophies.  Ok, I actually do have ONE trophy, but it involved a contest in a bar for a sorority charity competition in college and I only won cause Steve put the most money in the jar that determined the winner.  And I am NOT telling you what it says on it.  Let's just say that, should I enter that contest today, I would NOT win it.

Anyway, back to my trophy for a pseudo athletic event.  How cool is that?  And here is another fun thing about it; I barely made it into the playoffs.  My season record was only 6-7, but I was still one of the best 8 teams in the league...barely.  Under the heading of irony of ironies, I beat Bionic Woman last night primarily because of the spectacular performance of one DeAngelo Williams who she traded to me in Week 9.  With the advice of my General Manager of Personnel (Steve,) I countered a trade offer Karen made with one that Steve advised me might just win me the championship.  Karen, who was leading the league all season, had a bench full of spectacular players and she wanted my Brian Westbrook...the only player I had that scored any points.  I said no at first, but Steve encouraged me to look for more balance by giving up one magical player for a number of solid players.  The rest, as they say, is history.  Westbrook only scored 11 points for Karen last night.  Tee Hee Hee!

So kids, what is the lesson learned here by this exciting underdog, David vs. Goliath victory?  I imagine it involves a number of cliches, like "don't ever give up" or "it's not over, until it's over," but I fear for me it probably means that I should listen to Steve more often.  Shhhh, don't tell him I said that! 

Confessions of a Part-time Liberal

I'm working out in the basement the other day and I am concurrently watching MSNBC to distract myself from the fact that I am exercising.  During one of the many commercial breaks, an ad came on about the plight of the polar bears.  You know, a celebrity person speaking dramatically over pictures of precious polar bear cubs frolicking with their precious polar bear mommy.  The type of music and the tone of voice of the actress led me to infer that I should be very concerned...in fact, it seemed that the situation was quite dire and required my immediate attention.  The very lives of these polar bears was apparently in my hands.  At that moment, something occurred to me.  In fact, you might even call it an epiphany .  It seems I could not work up one ounce of passion or moral outrage for these poor polar bears.  Here I am, a good card-carrying, tree-hugging, peace and love swearing liberal and I did NOT care about those poor little polar bears.  I mean, look at them; they are adorable.  

Don't get me wrong.  I don't think we should go around randomly slaughtering polar bears.  They are some of God's creatures and we should respect them as such.  However, the inference of the ad suggested that this was an issue of grave importance and should be treated as a top priority in the allocation of our resources.  I just couldn't get that excited about it.  If I have $100 and I have to decide how to spend it in saving the world, polar bears are going to be pretty low on my list.  Obviously, that is a pretty simplistic assessment of the issue, but you get my point.

For the record, in terms of "liberal" stereotypes:

• I personally think we better get busy drilling for oil wherever we need to do so WHILE we are developing alternative fuels; we need to do EVERYTHING we can to end our dependence on foreign oil.  So...drill, baby, drill!

• I both oppose this war AND love and support our soldiers.  When I see a person in an armed services uniform, I go up to them, look them in the eye, and personally thank them for their service. 

• I am not willing to give up my SUV as long as I can have the opportunity to stuff 7 teenage girls into the back of my car on the way back from the Homecoming dance and listen to them giggling and talking about the evening.  I can afford to pay for the gas.  Consider it my part in stimulating the economy.

• I could care less how much money the RNC spent on Sarah Palin's clothes.  I would love to have whoever is dressing her take me shopping....she has been wearing some awesome outfits!  Girlfriend, I don't much like your politics, but I applaud your right to look fabulous while you are doing your job as chief name-caller for the Republican party.  Fair or not, a woman has to "dress for success" if she is going to be taken seriously as a potential leader of the free world.  So, you go girl!

• Lastly, and much more seriously, I think abortion is one of the saddest symptoms of our "live for the moment, damn the consequences, throw it away" society.  It is a heartbreaking decision for a woman to make and noone is "pro-abortion."  I am pro-life, in spite of the fact that I don't think criminalizing abortion is the appropriate solution.  A consistent ethic of life, in my opinion, also includes issues surrounding hunger, healthcare and the death penalty.

So, what is my point?  People should not be put in little boxes and labeled .  My decision to support Senator Obama's bid for the presidency does not mean that you can check off every box next to some person's definition of the label "liberal" if you are describing who I am.  Human beings are much more complicated than any particular label would imply and labels are almost always dismissive, discounting and disrespectful.  When I first started blogging, I wrote about the "us vs. them" mentality that is so pervasive in both the political world and, sadly, in the church.  That was in 2005 and I'm afraid it hasn't changed much since then.  The current name-calling....specifically the labels of "terrorist" and "socialist"...do nothing to raise the level of political discourse.  It just gives the media something to talk about.  I can't believe that the offensive robo-calls that we have been receiving are winning any votes for the party financing them. 

I had lunch the other day with 4 of my Christian sisters and, as might be expected, the discussion turned to politics.  All 5 of us are planning to vote for Senator Obama, for a variety of reasons.  One thing that we all had in common was the experience of having to defend ourselves against the accusation/ question of "how could we call ourselves a Christian and vote for someone who was pro-abortion?"  We talked about how we answered that question and why we felt that Senator Obama does represent the best choice, FOR US, in terms of the values that we believe are central to our Christian faith.  Each of these women deeply loves Jesus and tries on a daily basis to follow Him.  They believe that they are both voting their conscience AND voting as an outpouring and an expression of their faith. It angers me that anyone would question their faith because of their political choices.  I applaud their right to make their choices and I applaud John McCain's supporters' right to do the same. I pray that by the next election, Christians will indeed realize that God is not a Republican or a Democrat.  God is definitely too big for any label of this world!

As I have mentioned before, my husband and I generally cancel out each other's vote.  This year will be no different, yet we agree on many more issues than we disagree.  He doesn't completely fit the "conservative" label, anymore than I completely live up to the "liberal" label....although we have a good time joking about it.  Our voting will be a reflection of our opinions about the most serious issues facing this country and our beliefs about the best approach to solving those problems.  In these difficult times, it is important to remember that voting is a great privilege and responsibility.  We must vote prayerfully and with a sense of gratitude for the right to do so...a right that many people in this world do not enjoy. 

One more "confession from a part-time liberal"....I wore a mink coat to a fancy event the other night!  It was my grandmother LaVon's coat and her name is embroidered in the lining.  She loved a party and she would just love to have seen me in it.  While I would not wear a polar bear coat, I do not care much about minks either...in fact, if I am not mistaken, minks are rather rat-like, aren't they?  If I had to only save one, I would choose the polar bear. These particular minks (is that the plural of mink?) had probably been dead for 30 or 40 years anyway!!  You will be glad to know that there were none of those annoying "liberal" types there to throw paint on me :-)

A Quote from Elizabeth Barrett Browning on "Noticing"

Earth's crammed with Heaven,                    
And every common bush afire with God;      
And only he who sees takes off his shoes;    
The rest sit round it and pluck blackberries.

Please...do NOT call me feisty!

We watched the debate last night and I am pleased to say that, in my humble opinion, noone embarrassed themselves or their running mate.  In fact, I thought Sarah Palin did a better-than-expected job last night...although I could have done without the winking.  They both had clearly done their homework and seemed to have a working knowledge of the issues.  Even when Governor Palin didn't have an answer for the actual question the moderator was asking, she did some pretty impressive tap-dancing to cover up or change the subject.  Or she said something folksy and winked at us. 

In all fairness, Joe Biden has a much longer history of putting his foot in his mouth and he too showed remarkable restraint.  While Senator Biden has an enormous wealth of experience on which to draw, it is always an interesting challenge when the VP nominee has run against his running mate earlier in the primary season and now his primary job is to defend that running mate.  Hard to find a graceful way out of those nasty things you said just a few short months ago, yet Senator Biden showed that he too is an able and experienced tap dancer.  If pressed to choose a winner of last night's debate, I would have to go with Senator Biden...primarily because he did NOT wink at me.  It also helps that I agree with him on more of the issues.  There is the possibility that I am biased.

All joking aside, I enjoyed hearing the issues discussed with intelligence.  I appreciated the contrasts that were drawn between the two tickets and the discussion of how our past informs our future.  So, here is my big gripe for today.  If I hear Sarah Palin described as "feisty" one more time, I just might scream. Perhaps it is just me, but I find that term condescending in the extreme.  And it is being used primarily by the Republican pundits who are trying to get us to take her seriously!  Call her a "fighter," call her "tenacious," call her "tough," but NOT feisty.  Feisty sounds like the speaker is describing one of those little dogs that yap at the heels of the big dogs, never realizing that the big dog could eat them whole in one bite....you know, the little dogs we find amusing?  In my opinion, right after you call someone feisty, you should pat them on the head and tell them what a good girl/ boy they are!  Have you EVER heard a male politician described as "feisty?"  

So, what do you think of the term "feisty?"  Discuss. 

Chasing My Tail

Ok, I told myself I couldn't spend time blogging until I caught up.  Caught up on paying the bills, doing the laundry, running necessary errands, backing up several months worth of pictures, etc. etc. ETCETERA!!  I am actually backing up pictures while I type, but there are several baskets of laundry sitting in the family room waiting to be folded.  There is some television programming this evening that I am looking forward to watching, so I figure I can fold laundry then.  And yes, it is the VP debate that I will be turning on in about 15 minutes.  Should be interesting!

Have you ever seen a dog chasing its tail?  Running in circles trying to catch up to itself?  For some reason, that is what I have felt like lately....like I can't quite catch up with myself.  I had these expectations of the fall...of the time when the girls went back to school and we got back to our regular schedule...how I would spend my time with purpose, direction and meaning.  Yeah, right!

Don't get me wrong, there are portions of my week that I cherish.  Tuesday afternoons at the Lamb Center, Wednesday morning at bible study, small group on Sunday night.  I have had moments with friends on the phone or over coffee, times with the girls or Steve where I was completely present and treasuring that moment.  Yet, outside of these times, I often feel distracted and scattered...like I can't focus on the present task for worrying about something else I should be doing.  Even in my quiet times with the Lord, my mind is hard to tame recently and I feel like I am not gettting anything "accomplished."

Partly, I think I am still sleep deprived.  With this new earlier schedlue, my brain doesn't quite wake up until the girls are getting home from school.  Actually, I think that issue is a little better this week than last.  Today, I have been trying to slow down and breathe deeply; I have tried to be aware of God's presence without an agenda.  To just be with Him without looking for any particular answers to my questions.  I'll let you know if that turns out to be the cure for tail chasing. 

A Day (or a couple of months) in the Life...

Hi, it's me.  My name is Kelly and I used to write a few thoughts here on this blog every now and then! :-) I couldn't believe when I logged on to this site today and realized that it has been almost two months since I last posted an entry.  That is definitely a record in the 3 years that I have been blogging!  3 years....that also seems impossible, but I began this blogging journey in September of 2005.  Another reminder of how quickly time is passing.

Life continues to be full of blessings.  In August, we took a couple of different trips.  My husband and I had our first opportunity to experience the beauty of Maine when we attended a wedding in Kennebunkport in early August.  The girls were at Great Escape that week, so we extended our time there by a few days, traveling through Boston on our way there and back.  Eating fresh Maine lobster on my birthday was just one of the joys that I will remember from that trip.  Of course, the best part was time alone with my sweetheart!

Also in August, we made our annual sojourn to the Outer Banks with our dear friends.  We have been going to the Outer Banks every year since 1995 with the same family.  This year, in addition to our regular beach gang, we also had another favorite family join us.  The other kids in these two families are truly like sisters and brothers to my girls, so it was a very special time of relaxation and fellowship.  The beach is unequivocably my favorite place on earth and sharing it with this group of people made it perfect.  Truly, heaven on earth.

In addition to our times of relaxation and family togetherness, the latter part of the summer was also blessed by my growing association with my new friends at the Lamb Center.  Except for the week I was at the beach, I have spent my Tuesday afternoons studying God's word with my friends there since the middle of July.  I leave each week humbled by the presence of God in that place and by the privilege of witnessing Him at work.  I attended my first volunteer/ staff meeting last night and was further blessed by meeting the volunteers who are there on other days and by hearing more about the specifc ways that the Lamb Center is attempting to serve the homeless and marginalized in our county.  Stay tuned for more information about an upcoming fundraising event for the Lamb Center in November!

The girls are mid-way through their second week of school.  This was a big year of transitions for us as everyone moved up a school....first born started high school, my baby girl started middle school.  We all seem to be surving so far, although this early morning schedule is tough!  The high school bus leaves at 6:45, the middle school bus at 7:30.  For a family that loves to stay up late and sleep in the next day, we are trying to adjust.  Still, we are truly immersed in teenage world now and it is just really fun!  Little one has a new "boyfriend" who she identified and tagged as hers the first day of school...my high school girl is already begging to go shopping for a Homecoming dress.  The auditions for the middle school play start this week, the first opportunity for auditioning at the high school won't be until October.  On top of homework, we are fully back into our soccer, dance, piano, voice and church youth activities schedule.  Their lives are full and we are blessed.

Along with the girls' activities getting back into full swing, my schedule is also filling up again.  We start the new women's bible study group next Wednesday and we are back to twice monthly Stephen Ministry meetings. This morning, we had a book discussion group on The Shack and I look forward to getting together with my mom's prayer group again soon as well.  Our church is also doing a new church-wide study that has had the wonderful consequence of resurrecting our small group and we began meeting with them again this past Sunday evening.  And, of course, Steve and I both have fantasy football teams to follow and tinker with each week!!  In addition to all that fun stuff, I am still facing the health challenges that have characterized my 40s so far.  Having just about given up on traditional medicine, I am currently spending A LOT of time at the chiropractor and the accupuncturist. Getting older is not for sissies!  My days (and evenings) are full and I am blessed.

So, there you have it, an update for all you readers who have been faithfully checking out these humble pages for some sign of life these past few weeks.  Now that you know what is going on around Chez Johnson, you can see that God is still providing me with plenty of topics to keep me interested and writing.  Stay tuned!

AND don't EVEN get me started on all the election news......!!!!!!!